Villain's and Vigilante's: Chapter Seven

Bidel, Nicholas, and Yunmi stood there silently for a moment. Then their silence was interrupted by Bidel's stomach growling. Yunmi glared at him. "What? I'm fuckin 'ungry! There's nothin i can do about that sweet cheeks!"
"Don't call me sweet Cheeks you dirty Irish man"
"Now, now. There's no need to get hostile, I just think as long as we're in this situation we can have a little fun."
"Did i ever tell you why it was that i went to prison? I cut a man's penis off and used a knife to stick into his forehead."
"See, now when you say things like that it kind of makes me want to not have sex with you so much." Bidel started walking away.
"Where are you going?" Nicholas shouted.
"To get my dick wet!" Bidel replied. Nicholas looked over at Yunmi. "We don't really have a choice but to follow him" Nicholas said. Yunmi nodded and they started to follow him. They'd only walked about twenty feet when suddenly a man jumped down from a building in front of Bidel. "Stop your quest and you won't be harmed." Bidel looked at him and said, "What are we in the fuckin 18th century? Talk like a normal bloke you idiot!" He turned back to look at Nicholas and Yunmi, "Get a load of..." and then the man hit Bidel in the jaw. Bidel turned to him and looked at him with a smirk. "You're going to regret that, idiot." Bidel then whipped his axe around and swung at the idiot's shoulder blade. The idiot blocked it with his arm and punched Bidel again. Bidel tried pulling the axe out of the idiot's arm but it was wedged in there. So he grabbed his other axe and hit the idiot's other shoulder blade. The idiot stood there. He then lifted his leg up and kicked Bidel in the chest spartan style. "You've been warned" he said. And then he disappeared. "What....the.....fuck.....is going the fuck on!" Bidel screamed like a little baby.
Nicholas looked around and said, "I really don't know anymore. But apparently we don't have to anymore looking. Whoever we wanted is looking for us now." They decided to get a hotel room but Bidel refused. "I can get us a place." He walked into a bar and came out with a blonde, very slutty looking girl. "She says we can stay the night at her place. She has no roomates and lives alone and values the company. More my company that yours but whatever." He smiled that sadistic smile of his. They went back to the slutty blonde's house and Yunmi and Nicholas sat in the living room while Bidel and the slutty blonde went into her bedroom. The walls were very thin so they kept hearing things like, "Fuck me harder, harder, HARDER!" and "Take that you dirty little cockgobbler" and eventually they heard, "BITCH!" a few moans, and then the slutty blonde's scream. Bidel walked out of the room covered in blood. Nicholas stared at him in amazement. "Why are you covered in blood?"
"Take a look" Bidel smiled with blood in his teeth. They peered inside the room and instantly smelled sex and blood. Not a good mix. On the bed they saw the woman laying in a pool of blood with her arm in a different corner of the room and her eyes wide open in a shocked expression. There was blood dripping out of her chest with Bidel's axe still wedged into it. Bidel walked up behind them, "At first we were talkin dirty but when she said, 'fuck me with your small irish dick' well....i did that."

Forks and Spoons: Chapter 5

It turned out that i didn't have any condoms. I'd totally forgot that none of this had been planned, that i'd just met these guys today. That only 4 hours ago i'd left my apartment to just get coffee. I told SK i had no condoms and he said, "Alright that's cool. Come on let's get some really fast. KIM!" Kim looked up. SK shouted, "We'll be right back! Kthanxbye!" Kim nodded. I glanced at Bozo who looked uncomfortable until a bald came strolled up to him and they kissed passionately. I glanced at Donner who was talking to three girls at once. SK pulled me behind him and we walked outside the bar. We walked into a store close by and went to get some condoms. We passed by an aisle and then SK did a double take and went to stare at an employee's ass. "Oh my god. It's glorious" he said. Someone walked up behind us and said, "Isn't it?" I turned around and stepped back and then my jaw dropped. It was an employee who worked at the store but to my surprise him and SK looked exactly alike. Like they could have been twins. Except for the fact that SK was probably a good six years older. The employee looked down at his Hello Kitty watch and looked up and said, "Break time!" And then he left. We went and got the condoms and took them up to the register. "I remember a time when I used to work at a store like this." "Really?" "Yeah, except mine was called CVX." I laughed. "There's a lot of CV...somethings out there." "Yes, yes there is" "So what happened?" I said as we started walking back to the bar. "Well, my career took off and now i'm the man you see today." "What exactly do you do SK?" "I'm a writer. And i've got an anime in the works. Maybe you've heard of it, it's called SFG" I had heard of it. At this very moment i was actually wearing SFG boxers. "Really? That's awesome!" "Yeah, I remember when i was working that job i had thoughts that just working like that was going to be all that i would ever do. I didn't realize hope was all i needed. Hope and just using the talent i'd always had." We got to the front of the bar and SK punched the bouncer in the nose. "Almost!" the bouncer yelled. "Really?" "Nope. You're never going to do it SK." We walked back inside and a couple of the girls looked really excited to see us. They ran up to us and said, "Kim was telling us all about how you guys saved those orphans from that burning building! That's such a heroic story!" SK smiled and whispered in my ear, "Kim is one of the best Wingmen (or Wingman's) you'll ever meet." We sat down and had a couple of drinks. To be honest, I can't really tell you what happened that night because I don't remember it. I remember various things like being handcuffed, some stuff with ice cubes, other various things. But what i do know, is that i woke up naked on a trampoline with four naked girls asleep all around me. When i looked up I also saw SK's face in the window giving me a thumbs up and him smiling with his tongue sticking out of his teeth and his eyes closed. And i knew right then, these friends were going to be the best i'd ever had.

Forks and Spoons: Chapter 4

When Bozo came back he was holding a polo shirt, a blazer, a pair of nice looking jeans, and a pair of new puma's. I put them on and everything fit perfectly. "How did you know my size?" I asked him, "It's obvious weiner nose. Now shut up. We're going to Donny's." "Donny's?" "It's a bar downtown." "But i have no..." "We'll put it on our friend Jose's tab. It's no problem. He likes spending money anyway." "Ok" As the three of us walked out the door SK made a phonecall. "Hey, be at Donny's in 5. Bring Donner" Then he hung up. When we got to Donny's I saw that it looked more like a club than it did a bar. There was a line going outside and a bouncer. SK walked straight up to the bouncer and punched him in the nose. The Bouncer looked him straight in the face and then laughed. "You're never gonna do it SK, You've been telling me since the first day i started workin here that you was gonna break my nose, but you don't work out. You'll never do it!" Then he let us in. When we got into the bar i saw that it looked pretty much just like a normal bar. I didn't really see any reason for there to be a line. But then i looked around and realized that everyone here was either attractive looking or wealthy looking. We walked up to the bar and the bartender there asked us what we wanted. I got a beer, Bozo got and appletini, and SK ordered and iced tea. "You mean Long Island Iced tea?" The bartender said to SK. "No, i mean like a regular Iced tea." "You know this is a bar right?" "You know you're bein a douchebag right?" Then a husky man who was also behind the bar walked up to the bartender and said, "Go serve those ladies some buffalo wings ya idiot." He turned to SK, "Sorry bout him. He's new. Here's your Iced tea SK." "Thanks Esteban." We turned around and saw two guys waving at us from a booth. We walked over and they stood up. One of them was a fit looking guy with anime looking hair who looked either mexican or half asian. The other was a huskier guy with longish hair a lip piercing and a thin beard. SK said, "Hey guys this is Eric. I decided to take him on as my protege." I gave SK a weird look. The anime hair guy laughed. "Well, Everyone calls me Kim." I shook his hand and then the other guy shook my hand and said, "Yo, if you're SK's protege you ain't got nothin to worry about. This guys a pimp. I'm Donner by the way." We all sat down and talked for a while. Well, most of us. Kim didn't really say much and Donner did most of the talking out of all of us. Kim was staring intently at something so i turned around to look. Standing next to the bar was a group of what looked like sorority girls and one of them was blowing him kisses. I looked back at him and all he did was nod his head. I looked back to the sorority girls and they were whispering in a group. Then they all faced our booth and started walking over. SK leaned over and said in my ear, "Hope you've got condoms, this is going to be your rebound tonight."

Forks and Spoons: Chapter 3

Upon arriving at Starfucks SK proceeded to hit on the girl behind the counter. His charm amazed me. Upon just walking in and smiling at her you could see the girl just blushing immensely. Within seconds he had her number as well as free drinks for me and him. We sat down and he took a sip of his coffee, "You know, I don't really like coffee. I prefer Monster Java. I just come here for the chicks." He looked over at me. I didn't say anything. "Eric, we really need to do something about your wardrobe selection. A sweater and Sweats? Come on man. In order to be successful you need to dress successful. Come on, we got somewhere to go." As we stepped out of Starfucks he took out his phone and dialed a number, "Hey bitch. We're comin over. I got a job for you." He then hailed a taxi and we got in. He made me pay. When we arrived at the house i was thoroughly impressed. It was very big with lawn sculptures of various thing, one of them being a DJ. We walked to the front door and just as SK was about to knock the door opened and a husky man with a Faux Hawk Mullet and a peacoat opened the door. "Oh god." He said as he looked at me. SK turned to me and said, "This is my friend Bozo. He'll teach you how to look like....well....to look NOT like a hobo. He's gay, but don't let that scare you. He has a boyfriend. Actually..." He turned to Bozo, "Where is Baldy anyway?" "You shut your fucking mouth you lil shit" Bozo said. "He has a disease ok? If you ever talk about my lover like that again i'll pop you in the mouth." "Fine, fine" SK sighed. We walked inside and i noticed that the whole place was empty. "Why is..." Bozo didn't let me finish before he said, "I prefer to spend my money on clothes rather than furniture. I used to spend it on cars but, back then i was in the closet and thought if i had a nice car that people would perceive me as more of a straight man" "Oh..." We walked up the stairs and Bozo turned around and said, "I'll be right back" Then he walked into a room and closed the door.

Forks and Spoons: Chapter 2.

It had been two months since my piece of shit wedding. I was now just lounging around my apartment naked eating cereal all day. I no longer had a best friend thanks to that famed debacle. I looked out the window and saw a flock of crows flying by. Then i noticed amidst the crows that there was a dove. Normally i'd consider this a good omen but since my wedding i haven't had too much of a positive attitude. However i did decide that maybe i'd actually leave the apartment today. I threw on a sweater and some sweats and stumbled over to the door and put on my shoes. I thought to myself, "Where to go? Where to go?" I walked over to a local coffee shop across the street from my apartment complex. The line was coming out of the door. I took my place at the end behind a tall skinny white guy. He was staring at a nearby woman's ass. I took a look myself and noticed that it was rather big. The guy caught me looking and said, "Hey that's my ass! Find your own!" I scoffed. Fuckin jerk. The girl with the ass turned around and caught him staring and slapped him. He turned around and glared at me, "Look what you did you fuck!" "Sorry" I muttered. "Well, i guess i can forgive you. You look like shit!" "Yeah, i had a uh....bad day a while ago..." "Fuck! How long ago?" I cleared my throat, "Errherm, two months or so" "Fuck! And you're still moping around?" "Well yeah. My best friend kind of admitted that he was in love with my fiance at our wedding. She left me for him." "Fuck, that's harsh. You know what you need? Some nice pussy!" I let out a laugh, "Sorry if i'm not too enthusiastic but i'd like to just get my coffee and go back to my apartment" "Listen here, uh....what's your name?" "Eric, Eric Aldrin" "Well Eric Eric Aldrin, I've decided that i'm going to get you laid! Today is your lucky day!" He was getting louder by the moment. His voice was pretty loud and deep to begin with. "Eric, how old are you anyway?" "I'm 23." "FUCK!" "what?" "Nothing. Anyway my name is Derrick Scott-Kirea and i'm going to be your next best friend. Call me SK for short." "But your name is Derrick." "Do i look like i give a fuck? Come on we're going to Starfucks for some real coffee!" "Where?" "Starfucks! Man!"
Little did i know that SK really was going to become my best friend. And because of him i would meet the love of my life.

Here goes.

Dear Readers, Or should i say Dear Ryan and sometimes Ralph, I am trying to get back into the groove of writing. It's hard as you can clearly see being that my last two posts are not very long at all. I've decided that i need to take notes on Villain's and Vigilante's. I might scrap 11 years, i dunno we'll see. And i need to do more research for Forks and Spoons. I'm probably going to spend a lot of my time watching black and white romances. Thank you. I love you two. If anyone else is actually reading this then you should comment something so i know i have more than two readers.

Forks and Spoons: Chapter 1.

I stood there, looking at my soon to be bride and i couldn't help but smile. All the things that i'd been through to finally find her. To finally find "the one". In this one moment i was the happiest i've ever been. I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. This day had finally come. I looked at my best man who had actually introduced me to my bride. He had been my best friend since the seventh grade and had always been there for me. He always looked cheerful but for some reason at that moment he looked really uneasy. I looked over at the minister as he said, "....speak now, or forever hold your peace" At that moment my best friend, my best man, the guy who has been there with me through thick and thin, the guy who introduced me to my beautiful bride shouted, "I love you!" I chuckled, "I love you too man" I said. He shook his head and turned to my bride. "I never should have introduced you to him, because the fact of the matter is that i'm in love with you. I always have been. Don't marry him, it'll be the biggest mistake of your life. Because no matter how much he loves you it'll never be enough. I will love you for as long as i live. Come away with me." And just like that, my wedding was ruined. And so starts the story of Forks and Spoons, a romantic comedy.